Friendship Text Messages

Obsessive Love and a Wounded Friendship
By Samantha Shane

I was working as an exotic dancer when I met my husband. I loved the freedom that the stage gave me to express my sensuality and sexuality. I was impressed that my work didn’t make him insecure or jealous. I couldn’t have a relationship with anyone that would squelch my creativity. One night he brought his best friend Jake in to meet me. My heart was in my throat when I saw him, he was one of the most gorgeous men I had ever laid eyes on in my life. It was an instant attraction, on my part anyways. I wanted him right then and there. I stood there and tried to carry on a conversation all the while thinking what it would be like to have sex with him.

My husband knew well that one of my biggest fantasies was to be with two men. I hoped that Jake was just what I was looking for to make my dream a reality. Little did I know that within a few months it would come to surface. One day he came home from work and asked me straight out if I wanted to have sex with Jake. I was shocked but excited. Of course I did, so we planned it. The day of the threesome, was very awkward and at times nerve wracking, but, it was a very enjoyable experience. The passion between Jake and I was so intense , I hadn’t felt anything that strong in my life. Afterwards, I tried to forget him, but I couldn’t.

A few years went by and we spoke from time to time, just basic “how is everyone?”. Catching up, those sorts of conversations that friends have. Normal, every day conversation. He had moved to Wyoming and we were about to move to Nevada.

After we had settled in Nevada, Jake called to say he was going to come visit. I immediately became a bundle of nerves in anticipation of seeing him again. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I kept questioning myself what was wrong with me? My husband wasn’t much help, he kept teasing me that my “boyfriend” was coming to visit and how cute it was that I was so flustered. He may have thought it was cute, but I was sick inside. I couldn’t begin to understand what was happening to me inside my mind or my soul. I knew something was definitely wrong, but couldn’t figure out what it was.

A few days later Jake arrived and I began shaking when I heard the car pull up, and heard my husband and him talking as they walked to the doorway . “Get yourself together”. I thought to myself. The door opened and we hugged. I was a nervous wreck and went back into the kitchen to finish dinner that I would end up just picking at.

The visit was nice, we went gambling, we made love, they got drunk and played air-guitar in the back-yard. All the while I still wasn’t getting much sleep. At night I would wake up and just watch him sleep, totally ignoring my own husband’s peaceful face.

This time when Jake left I cried and was depressed for weeks. I thought about him 24 hours a day 7 days a week. This was becoming an obsession yet I didn’t realize it. When I would go out to the store I would see personalized products and I would always look for his name. It didn’t matter what it was as long as it said “Jake” I was going to look at it. When my husband and I played scrabble at night, I would find words that associated with him, and use those. I was spinning out of control and fast.